Chapter 1
Stings in the chest
Stings in the chest. They did not go away. I breathed heavily in order to get rid of them. Switch the thoughts to something else. I am usually good at that.
But they kept coming – with no warning – as if they had their own logic. Like a physical disorder.
Unrest. Even fear. To see it all fall apart. Because it will. I cannot live with that. Not here – and I have nowhere else.
I did not catch it at once. Not as she started to speak. But when she pronounced the place name the first sting was there. And the first one was deep and violent. At that moment she must have seen it in my eyes. And known that she was right. She smiled at me. As she usually did. But this one was different.
She did not say it all. I fail to remember what I answered. Or if I managed to answer. The junior kids just having finished their training session, were coming towards us – we had stopped in the middle of the stairs leading to the club house. So she said «see you tomorrow» and walked away. I do not think I replied to that either. She turned her head and smiled at me once more when she had come some distance away. She saw that I had not moved.
I reached the hilltop above the soccer pitch. A lot of training activity down there – as usual in a midweek afternoon. A late summer breeze blew through my hair – seemingly originating from the small lake behind me – in order to calm me down, I thought. It was always a little windy up here. But there the stings were back. There was no escape.
A full night and day have passed. I think no possible thought exists not having been in my head during this time. Between the stings.
I cannot cope with this. I do not want this. I want to get back to yesterday. Before I met her in the stairs.
Chapter 2
Training session with Peter
She moved a little behind and to the left of Peter as he made a round-up after the training. The girls should focus on him now. And they sat quietly on the grass and listened. And watched him. Almost all twelve of them. She sensed a small irritation. Their heads had been less tuned in when she made the similar exercise last week. But it was just my second time, she added to herself. And I am not Peter. Especially not for these fifteen-year-olds.
It was her first season as an assistant coach for the girls. She had been a bit uncertain. Mostly afterwards though. She replied «yes» immediately when he asked. Now she took part twice a week. Peter was of course the boss. And she looked forward to the training sessions.
Peter had finished. She stood watching the girls as they packed their stuff. The silence was definitely broken now. She smiled at their smalltalk. Three years are an eternity, she observed. At least for them. For them I am old.
She picked up her own backpack. Peter turned to her. -Fabulous work today, Celia. You fit in here really well.
Celia noticed that her face broke into a big smile. -Thanks, Peter. Going up the path?
-No, I have to take a chat with Samir about our new outfits. He just entered the locker room. See you.
-Okay. Nice evening!
Samir was responsible for all football equipment and outfits. Peter could be a little grumpy because it took too long.
Celia turned her head when she was some distance up the hill. Peter came out of the locker room door behind Samir – there seemed to be a rather intense discussion on their way down the stairs to the club house square.
A bit further away the door to the cafeteria opened. She recognized the man coming out first. He is in charge of the pitch, she knew. Johnny – she liked him. A nice old man. He always greets me – even if we never really talked. Following Johnny came a well grown-up woman. Celia knew who she was too – but was uncertain as to her name. She spent much time up here. Was involved in a lot of things in the club. And often in the cafeteria. Right now it was obvious that she had a case with Johnny. I wonder if he tried to escape, Celia thought. If so he did not succeed.
Samir and Peter had stopped in the middle of the stairs. Celia was walking slowly backwards up the hill. She continued to view them. But Samir was the one waving to her. She tentatively returned the wave.
Is that the reason I look forward to these training sessions?
She shook it all off, turned around and increased speed walking towards the top of the hill. Getting back to homework. Twice with her own team and two sessions as a coach consumed much time for one week. Mom’s view at least. Even though big brother supported her. Whatever – I am a little behind with some school stuff. I have work to do this evening.
Chapter 3
Need to fix the freezer
No one who was active in the club today had ever known a time without Johnny. He had always been here. Taking care of the ground. Of the pitch. Of the house. Now as a pensioneer one would almost always find him here. If some practical matter had to be solved, you first went to Johnny. And you rarely needed go further.
He sat down on one of the benches outside the cafeteria. Emma was swift to occupy the seat on the other side of the age-worn wooden table.
-Both the girls and the boys have first team matches here on Sunday. And then there is the cup coming up next weekend. We have to fix the freezer.
Johnny looked at her, and there was a small smile between the short beard stubs. Emma was a bit younger than himself and nearly just as much at the club house. So they knew each other well enough. Still it hit him again – she must have been very pretty as a young girl. Well – he could still envisage her – the first time she came to the club. And he remembered the photos from her time as a young gymnastics champion in her home town.
-I will look at it, he said. And thought that he might as well take the job at once, since she would not stop asking. And then she was right – things had to be in order behind the cafeteria counter. Just half a week till the first team match – a lot of sales to be expected then.
Emma took a deep breath and smiled back at him. He needed to say no more. When Johnny looked at something, it would be in order. Everyone knew that.
She got up from the bench and walked back towards the cafeteria door. Just before entering she turned her head quickly and looked in the direction of the club stairs. She was still only three-four yards away, and he had followed her with his eyes, so he noticed the small one-second stop. He frowned slightly looking at her. But there was no one in the stairs.
The club stairs was a concept – the club’s centre stage in a way. People agreed to meet there.
Emma is okay. More than okay. I like Emma. Even if she makes some fuss.
He slowly got up and went around the cafeteria corner towards the first team locker room.
It might just be a loose wire. I’ll get my tool kit.
Chapter 4
The cup is being planned
Sonia used the mouse scroll letting the list of teams slowly slide up the screen. They come from all over the city. Some from the neighbouring county as well. The cup had always been popular. According to what they told – she was herself too fresh to remember far back. She had heard of the years with more than 200 teams. The ambition this year was about half of that – like last autumn. That’s more than enough to master properly, she thought with a small sigh.
It was only her second time as cup manager. She did not really know what she accepted last year. There had been much more to do than she anticipated. But she managed – together with the others. She was happy afterwards. Nice words and praise from those who said something. So when they asked her again early this spring, the «yes» came at once. Even before she asked Armin.
Would I have turned it down if he had said no? Yes – I would. Armin and Sara are what matters to me now. And while I am sitting here, he has to take care of Sara at home.
And it is for her I am doing this. Even if it means a lot to me as well. Armin fully agreed. The team and the team mates were the most important to Sara beside school – they shared that view.
She is just as old as I was when I first came here. Sonia sensed that her thoughts wandered away from the screen and the others in the room. I will never forget a single one of those days. The journey. The reception. The first days of learning the new language. The mosque at the islamic centre. But a ten-year-old girl embraces the world around her. And learns fast. It was tougher for mom and dad.
Sonia suddenly felt sadness. She did not want it to be like this between them. But Armin and I will never again attend the Friday prayer.
She clicked to sort according to age classes – from 8 to 12 years. In previous times the younger boys and girls took part as well, but in recent years the club had arranged a separate mini tournament for them in spring time.
-We need some more girls teams. Sonia looked up. -Preferably two nine-year-olds and one eleven-year team. To get complete groups. Someone we could try to call?
The cup was just one week away, so the sign-up deadline had passed several weeks ago.
-Biggest problem with the nine-year-olds. Linda was the one to raise her voice. -For the elevens I think we can manage to put in another side from ourselves. I will check it out.
Linda had a daughter of eleven and was the team leader. So it would be solved at least for this age class.
-Though it would have been better with an outside team. We travelled to a cup last weekend. With the boys at sixteen. Far into the countryside. We played against two sides from the home club. And they used several overlapping players.
-Do you have a boy at sixteen?
-No.
Sonia looked at her for a moment. Waiting for her to continue. But Linda had turned her head and looked as though she had catched something or someone through the one small window in the room.
She is a bit special. A couple of seconds passed. But I do not really know her. Sonia focused on the somewhat outdated computer screen again. -Otherwise the groups are getting okay. I will just check to see if we know of any sides which do not go very well against each other. Referees, Simon?
Simon was the third one inside the narrow club office. He was still a player on the junior team, but had nonetheless been given the task of coordinating referees for the cup. As good as all refs were players from older club teams – what they used to call club referees. It was a big responsibility for a young boy, but Sonia trusted him as if he was 10 years older. Simon was fantastic.
-I think I have control. Or maybe … I see that Ayan has quit.
He looked for a moment out into empty air. -I can ask Celia – she took part in our ref training in spring. Sonia noticed the smile emerging in his face, and she tried to catch his eyes. There is something there. Her own face formed a small smile to go with Simon’s.
-Okay. It is Friday today. We have to deliver a match program on Tuesday. We also need the final referee set-up by that time. I will have a talk with Samir regarding equipment when we have finished here. Then the complete work group has to meet on Tuesday night for the final prep.
Sonia took a quick look at her cell phone lying on the table. Half past six. Samir should not take more than half an hour. I am home with Sara and Armin in an hour. Armin will make the late dinner – he is superb at that.
She sensed a looking-forward-to feeling for the evening. But I will not call mom or dad tonight. Not on a Friday.
Chapter 5
A cup referee?
The Friday night was rather warm being a couple of weeks into September. So the breeze from the small lake catching her hair felt comfortable. It cares for me, she thought – sensing a sudden stroke of being happy. Then she laughed. And immediately looked around her – had anyone heard? But no one was close by.
Celia came round the last trees where the path made a turn. The club house came into sight far below. A team was having a training session at the far end of the pitch – boys in early youth. Otherwise there was less activity than usual.
-Why do you have to train on a Friday night?
Mom had asked before she left home today as well.
-She has to if she wants to become a good player. Big brother made the reply for her from inside his room. So she put her head through the door opening and said bye. He appeared to be occupied by his studies. But maybe it only appeared that way.
-Home a little past nine. A bang as the front door was shut. I didn’t really mean that, she thought all of a sudden.
Celia got aware that she was sitting down on the «big-stone». It was a long flat stone parring the club house roof on the other side of the soccer ground. People used to sit here watching games down at the pitch. It had spaces for rather a lot. But now there was just her.
Thoughts and feelings. They change so fast. The joy from the breeze and the small lake was gone. Am I too tough with mom? Over the trees at the far end of the pitch she glimpsed the church spire. It did not rise very high, since it was the kind placed on the ground beside the church building. I will visit the grave on my way home.
No – I do not want to get home later than I said. She noted that her right hand was trying to wipe off tears that had started to slide down the left cheek. I will go there tomorrow.
One year had passed since dad was gone. On most days she was by now able not to think about it. But then the moments came. And it all came – together and strongly. I miss dad. I want him to be there when I come back from my training. With mom and big broth.
It was dad who started to train her. Down here on the pitch. The first time - I remember everything. With the other girls. More than ten years ago. And when I got big enough to decide for myself – well, it was still much because of dad that I kept on. Now I am not sure any more.
I will go there tomorrow.
-Celia!
She braced herself fast and rose from the stone. Turned away for a second while using both hands trying to do away with the remaining tears. Before starting to walk down the path.
-Celia – I have to ask you something. Simon was waiting for her where the path joined the walkway around the pitch. -Can you be a referee at the cup?
-Is ... something wrong? He took a couple of steps towards her.
-No – no, she replied abruptly. Hell. He has noticed.
-I … think so. I cannot say for certain right now. Must be in time for training. Celia had started to walk away.
-I need yes or no by tomorrow.
-Okay. She turned her head as she kind of shouted the word back to him.
Does it mean I said yes? She did like the referee training course. So it might be fun.
But I have never before refereed a real match. And right into the cup as well. But of course – the kids are small.
Why did he ask me? The course was popular – and she knew that many of the youngsters wanted to ref in the cup. Some money to be paid to you as well.
She sensed that she was smiling. Simon attended the parallel school class. In tech. But they did some class sessions together.
Small Simon. Why do I think of him as that?
Yes – it shifts. A feeling of relief – and satisfaction? Ten minutes to the training. Most of the girls had arrived already. And there was Laura – her new trainer from this autumn on.
