Celia

Chapter 6

Down quarks

It was at the first training session after the summer break that Laura had welcomed them and introduced herself as their new coach succeeding Peter. An early August day some four weeks ago. Peter was from now on to work fully with somewhat younger girls and boys.

 

-I will take you through this final year as a junior team – then I will follow you next year into the senior side, she had told them. -For those of you who will go on to become senior players. The girls looked at each other as she added the last clause – a little uncertain as to what it meant.

 

Celia did not like it. I wish it was still Peter. She thought that way even now. But I do have him at the other sessions. She smiled a little as she noted how the thoughts formed and combined inside her head.

 

There had been a lot of Laura training after that, so the four weeks felt longer than the time passed. Laura used to be a senior side player for the club for many years, so Celia knew very well who she was.  And even if she no longer was an active performing player, few of the junior girls were able to match her when she chose to take part in the play during training.

 

The sessions had become tougher. She knows what she is doing, Celia thought. Definitely good for us. But do I want it?

 

I look more forward to the sessions with the 15-year-olds than my own ones.

 

-We were in front on Tuesday – and lost. We must learn to be better stayers. Celia had already picked up that Laura came straight to the point. And did not use many words.

 

So it would be tiresome today as well.

 

-Do you lead the warm-up, Celia?

 

She made a sudden start, abruptly looking up at Laura. It came as a surprise. – Okay … She searched for words as she rose. -Anything special?

 

-You know what to do. But finish with a couple of fast sprints and an accelerating pace part.

 

Celia had been playing on Tuesday. Laura substituted her in and out a couple of times – you were still allowed to do that at junior age.

 

I was not on the pitch when the yellow ones scored their winning goal. But that does not matter!

 

Yes – of course it matters.

 

Now I have to organize the girls. If they will listen to me. Yes – they do as long as Laura is here.

 

Even though their trainings were tough, Laura did take frequent breaks.  They were about midway through the session when Celia observed a woman over at the fence. Laura slowly jogged up to her from the inside, and they started talking across the fence. Celia catched only a word now and then, but it struck her as rather intense. The break was almost about to get too long.

 

I did not know those two were aquainted – I have not seen them together before?

 

Celia knew Linda fairly well – she lived some doors further down the terraced house. She is with the team of Mariam. Her little daughter. Well – she has taken part for some years, so she is not that small any more. They sometimes ran into each other on their way to or from the pitch.

 

She knew that Mariam’s father did not live there any more. He was very okay – but I have not seen him for long. She had on some occasions observed another man down there. And an older boy.

 

Celia rose up and looked over at Linda who had now turned around and was walking away from the fence. I used to be a little afraid of her. At our annual work to clean up around the houses, she always took charge. We had to do what she told us to.

 

The sun had set and there was a bit of emerging darkness when they were sitting down packing their stuff after the session. Tanya came and sat down beside her. She was one of her best mates when they were quite small. But then Tanya moved some distance away, and they by and by stopped hanging together.

 

-You know - Peter… Tanya turned her eyes to the ground and then looked swiftly up at Celia. -We are … were together.

 

Celia stared at her with eyes wide open. -Are? ... were? A few seconds had passed before the two words. Something was suddenly frozen.

 

Tanya shrugged her shoulders slightly. She picked up her cell phone and started keying. -Oh, don’t mind. Never knows for sure with guys.

 

Celia took her backpack from the turf and pulled herself up. Some further seconds had passed. -Celia, are you going to ref in the cup? I want to, but no one has asked me.

 

They attended the referee course together – in early spring. -You can have my …

 

No – I do not give it away. I am going to referee. I will send Simon a text tonight.

 

Celia started to leave. -Wait, let’s go together. Beatrice was shouting to her. She lived at the hilltop overlooking the terraced houses. But Celia kept on walking without looking back.

 

The grave stone suddenly appeared in front of her. She was quietly standing looking down at it.

I wasn’t supposed to come here – I am going straight home. She sensed that she curled down – to a squat. It started to get dark in proper, so she could not quite distinguish the letters and numbers. But she knew exactly what was carved into the stone.  

 

Thoughts and feelings. What is happening in there? Oh hell – pull yourself together! They are nothing but energy waves and elementary particles. Spinning and combining. Up quarks and down quarks.

 

Celia was probably above average in her knowledge of physics - even if her major topics at school were language learning.

 

But right now they are mostly down quarks.

 

The sigh and the small smile were simultaneous.

 

She had been sitting curled down for so long that she felt dizzy when she got up.

Chapter 7

Final preparations

Emma was the last one to enter. She sat down close to the door and looked straight at Sonia. -Sorry for the delay – replacement in the cafeteria was a little late.

 

«Cafeteria lady». Sonia had called her that to herself before she got to know her name. She still thought of her as such.  And knew it was not entirely wrong. Even though the cafeteria job was based on parent duties, Emma was the one in charge. But she was much more than the cafeteria boss in the club.

 

She came here fairly young as a previous gymnastics «star». Seems she tried to get going a gymnastics group at the club. It did not quite work out. So instead she involved herself in everything else. Sonia had heard the story. From Johnny she thought.

 

But that was a long, long time before Sara and myself. It feels comfortable to have Emma in charge of the cafeteria during the cup. Most of the money we earn, comes from sales there.

 

-I’m sure you have full control, Emma. Sonia counted on a confirmation.

 

-Yeah, all job lists are checked and confirmed – the needed purchases are ordered and will be delivered on Friday. Johnny has fixed the freezer. So we are ready.

 

She sent a smile across to Johnny who had placed himself by the small window – next to Linda.

 

-You will be with us throughout the cup, Johnny?

 

-You could try to keep me away. The calm and the somewhat deep voice never failed to make an impression when Johnny said something – whatever was said, you were bound to listen. Sonia knew he loved children’s football, even though he was engaged in the activities of the senior first team as well.

 

-Because if something happens which none of the rest of us can fix – and it always does, she continued, -we come to you.

 

-Celia can ref. For Ayan. Simon broke in a little abruptly. Sonia turned to him as he was busy swiping his phone. -They have all confirmed. He hesitated for a moment.

 

There is a message he is looking closer at. She noticed a small change in his face.

 

Now he looked straight at her. -And if someone has to drop out, Peter or I can step in to take a match.

 

Simon looked down to view the message once more. «I ref». It was probably the shortest message he had ever received. No «hi» or «greetings from». It had come on that same evening. At first he did not understand who the sender was, and as yet he was not sure how Celia had got his number. Still – he felt good about the two words.

 

-Fine, Simon. All groups ready, Linda?

 

-Yeah. It worked out with the girls as well. And I did what you suggested – checked if some teams do not suit well against each other. So I separated two teams which the program had matched together. I know the coaches nearly hate one another. I’ll put the match schedule on the web tonight.

 

Linda raised her look and made it swipe slowly across those sitting in the room. She catches their eyes one by one. The thought fell to Sonia. As if seeking acknowledgment. Or emphasizing that she has done her job properly. She noted that Samir turned his eyes down when he was the target.

 

I think too much. Sonia looked again at the somewhat outdated computer screen. -And the boss himself? Building, keys, parking – all okay, Philip? – I guess I hardly need to ask.

 

Philip displayed a big smile and nodded.  

 

I am not easily charmed. At least that was how Sonia viewed herself. But with Philip it cannot be avoided. Something about dimples and eyes playing together. Certainly there are quite a few middle-of-life ladies looking more than once in that direction.

 

Apart from being in charge of the building and the compound, Philip was in fact fresh club chairman this year. Short-term substitute, he said himself. No one else was willing to take the position at the annual club meeting. At least he is presentable, Sonia thought. No – that’s unfair. He is able as well.

 

And she had picked up that he once was a top athlete. Not here – some distance away. National champion? She was not certain – not even in which sports discipline.

 

They say there are a lot of people having come here from outside. People settle down here. Want to stay here.

 

We are no longer just poor immigrants.

 

I have to concentrate. She shook her head lightly. But things start falling into place now.

 

-Balls for all matches? Vests and other equipment?

 

Samir turned a little in his chair as he looked up. -Full control.

 

Morocco? I like to know where people originate from. And frequently it matters more than some like to think. But he has grown up here. I am sure of that.

 

A few minutes later they were finished. -We meet at six on Friday afternoon to prepare the play areas and set up the sales booth. The weather guys have promised us sunshine. This will be good, folks!

 

She got up. Linda had as well stood up from her chair some ten feet away, but kept standing still watching the others one by one as they were leaving the office room. She is doing it again, Sonia thought.

 

She looked swiftly down on her cell phone. Nice timing – Sara was about to finish her training session.  

 

Armin was working late on Tuesdays.

 

We will pick up some food on our way home.

Chapter 8

Constallations on the water

Beams from the low sunlight hit slantingly the ripples on the small lake. The effect was almost magical. Myriads of tiny stars blinking and twinkling.

 

It is like the sky on a clear autumn night. I can figure out constellations. There is the big dipper.

 

An illusion of the eyes. Just light being reflected by the movement of water droplets.

 

So what? I can see the starry sky image. It is real to me right now. It is trying to make me feel something good.

 

The stings were still inside. But not as dominant as some days ago.

My head has started to work. Investigate options. My brain is making plans, presenting them to me as suggestions. For me to accept or decline.

 

It started the activity nearly immediately. Because that’s the way I am. When something is not the way it should be, this job initiates. Always alternatives – some of them so hopeless as to be discarded at once. Others to be encouraged. But I do not have full control all the time.

 

I had turned the thought down several times – especially during the first days. This was something entirely different from the kitten.

 

But at some point in time it changed. And the thoughts, the determination and everything else inside me started working together.

 

Since it was no use talking to her. Explain it all to her. That would be the beginning of a nightmare.

 

I was still standing by the edge of the lake watching the twinkling stars. All of a sudden a butterfly took off from the ground maneuvering in its fluttering way in the direction of a baby pine. The deep yellow type - like a ripe lemon. Brimstone butterfly? I love them when they first appear in springtime. It’s getting into autumn now – soon its life will be behind it. And that is quite natural. I followed it with my eyes as it – after various changes of direction and height levels - landed on the small pine. It has no control – it is absolutely random where it ends up.

 

Once more an illusion. It reaches exactly the destination it sets out for. And desires. If desire is important to it? But I enjoy the way it deceives me.

 

The details are what my head is planning right now. The execution. That’s the job when the suggested solution has been accepted. And I know that the rest of me – all I have inside me – is in full support.

 

It is necessary. If I am to go on living my life. And I have no other life.

 

The stings in my chest made another try. But I have to stifle them. Their time has passed. The only thing that matters now, is to carry it through – without mistakes.

 

I looked out at the surface of the lake once more. A small cloud had stopped the sun beams from reaching the ripples. The starry sky was gone.

 

I turned around and walked swiftly towards home.

Chapter 9

Nerves in the cafeteria

 

Celia sat down in one of the innermost corners. A table with four chairs, but so far she was the only one occupying it. Which was okay – she was not the socializing type at the moment. The very first referee job of her life was just a short half hour away. Her body felt slightly shaky – it had been like that since she woke up in the morning.

 

I looked forward to this when I went to bed yesterday. So where did the creepy nerves come from?

 

There was suddenly a tiny smile. It will be all right. They are just nine years old. Just about reaching to my chest. And only on a quarter of a full pitch.

 

But if I make a mistake? With lots of parents watching their kids?

 

She had the whole cafeteria in view from her seat. A lot of movement in and out. Queuing along the counter. Girls and boys in blue, green and red shirts or jackets. Moms, dads and coaches. The cafeteria was the natural place for everyone to gather during the cup, even if the autumn weather outside was rather agreeable.

 

A middle aged man was standing behind the counter – serving and taking payments. Celia watched the cell phones. They all pay using mobiles. Well – there was a grown-up with a bank note. He smiles to all the shoppers - she noticed being aware of this observation.  She kept watching the business for a while. And had to laugh shortly to herself. There is a difference – he is definitely smiling broader to the moms. He is charming them.  Maybe into buying an extra cake.

 

His name is Philip – someone had told her. He is one of those as well being around here a lot. Some kind of boss.

 

Laura entered through the cafeteria door together with the woman being frequently here – Celia still did not remember her name. Laura spotted Celia, lifted one arm wavering and shouting a brief «hallo». In the middle of a seemingly rather intense conversation with the cafeteria lady.

 

She looks almost irritated. Surely there is something she wants to tell clearly. Celia could not distinguish the words being said, however – there was too much noise in the room and she was too far away.

 

But why is she here? Laura is not coaching any of the small ones. And she has absolutely no children of her own. A little sister? Celia shook it off. There is no need. The cup is important for the club. Anyone being something or with an ambition to be something in the club, is here today.  

 

-Celia, is it not?

 

She turned abruptly and looked up at the somewhat elderly chap having approached her table.

 

How does he know my name?

 

-Yes… A cautious lightly inquring smile.

 

He sat down on one of the vacant chairs without asking permission. -You are going to referee?

 

One more «yes».

 

-I have been seeing you. A slight pause. -You play on the junior team, right? And I watched you training the girls. Well, we have of course said hallo a couple of times.

 

Celia realized that she was looking straight into his eyes.

 

I don’t commonly do that. I am not good at seeking eye contact. But there is something in that deep calm voice enforcing it.

 

When I need someone to calm me. To take the creepy nerves away. Like now. Then I ought to talk to Johnny. I just need to listen to his voice.

 

-It is fantastic that you are taking part both as a coach and a referee. In addition to playing. He paused for a short moment. -We need people engaged in the club. And especially you youngsters.

 

He turned his head and made a nod towards the counter behind which the cafeteria woman had now replaced Philip at the cash desk. -Look at Emma. She was a big star – gymnastics. With wins and trophies - and could have chosen to stay at bigger clubs than ours.

 

Celia tried to pin down the place name he went on to tell her, but she was not able to.

 

I have stronger topics than geography.

 

-But here is where she chose to stay. He responded to her eye contact and suddenly smiled. -You have to excuse an old man. Another short break. -First time as a ref?

 

How in the world does he know? Celia nodded. -A bit nervous – dreading.

 

-No – you are not, Celia. It will be just fine. You have absolute control.

 

It was refreshing to get out into the air and sunlight outside. Her match was scheduled on the quarter of the pitch closest to the club house and cafeteria. For a while she stood by the fence watching the match being played right now. These girls are nine-year-olds as well. One of the junior team boys refereed – Shakir, she knew him from school. She followed his movements and doings for a minute or two.

 

This is not difficult. I can manage this.

 

The nerves are gone, she remarked to herself. I once again look forward to it. She took the phone out of the pocket of her jacket and prepared the count-down. In ten minutes it’s my turn.

Chapter 10

A woman falls

 

- Not that direction!

 

Celia heard the voice coming from behind and turned around for a moment. It was the same guy who shouted some minutes ago. An overly eager dad having his daughter on the yellow shirts team. He stood along the line not too far from the yellow side’s coach. And as one of the blue team girls picked up the ball to take the throw-in, Celia noticed the coach approaching the dad, laying a hand on his shoulder and speaking firmly to him.

 

Fair enough. Maybe he is right, but he certainly could not have seen the situation clearly from the opposite side of the pitch.

 

Peter had warned them when instructing at the referee training course. -There will always be some moms or dads – dads more often than moms – protesting. Don’t pay attention to them. Do not speak to them. And above all – do not let it influence your refereeing on the pitch.

 

-On some occasions it may happen that even coaches say things they should not. Do not pay attention to that either. Unless the words become too bad or it happens frequenly. Then you should walk over and tell them to calm down. But that will rarely be necessary when refereeing the small ones.

 

Celia looked at her mobile. Ten-eleven minutes had passed. The game would last for twenty-five – and there was to be no second half.

 

She started to feel good out there. This is going well – I am in control. A couple of times she made small remarks to one of the players, and she consequently and clearly told them «corner» or «throw-in blue» instead of just blowing the whistle and pointing.

 

The girls are listening to me. They look at me as well. And they do exactly as I tell them to.

 

She concentrated on following the play the way she imagined a referee should do. At the same time she realized watching – and assessing – the way the girls were performing. She was a little impressed.

 

They play well. Especially the blue ones. Many passes – and in-between some really good technical stuff. They are just nine years old.

 

Ten years ago she had played here at the cup – same age. With her dad as the coach by the line. He shouted to her at times. But no more than to her team mates. At least she thought so.

 

I want him to be satisfied with me. And the others must think that I am good. What kind of pass was that? --- I have to win the ball back.

 

I did not always feel glad. At times I did not like it. But still I’m kind of longing back. I was safe. And yes - I think the others viewed me as a good player. At least good enough.

 

All of a sudden Celia noticed the wetness on her cheek. She shook her head firmly and took a quick look around. Drop it – I am here now. I am a junior team girl. And a ref.

 

Did I miss some refereeing while my thoughts went wandering? No – I do not think so. No reaction from anyone. Not even from the eager daddy.

 

-Hi Celia! A voice from beyond the fence between the pitch and the cafeteria threw her out of the concentration she was trying to regain. She could not let be looking in the direction of the voice. She recognized it, even though she had not heard it for some time.

 

Mariam’s dad smiled and waved at her. He was standing not many yards away, so she responded with a smile and a short nod. Then she was back in the match – there was a throw-in on the other side.

 

When she turned again, he was gone. I like him. I think I have always done. What is he doing here? He and Linda – no, that finished some time ago. But of course – Mariam is going to play as well today. He has come here to watch her.   

 

The cell phone once more. Five minutes to go. The yellow shirts were attacking. Being two goals down they would certainly like to pull at least one back before the game was done. A cross along the grass from the right side - but the ball hit a blue leg making it roll across the goal line.

 

A short cry pulled her concentration away once more. Not that it was particularly loud, and there was some noise at the pitch – and at the other pitches nearby – anyway.  But the cry did not sound right. And she recognized this voice as well.

 

Celia stopped abruptly and started to look in the direction of the cafeteria door.

 

A woman was standing outside the door – it looked as though she had just come out. She took some staggering steps forward towards the fence. The age-worn wooden table with the rounded benches was some yards off – suddenly she turned sideways and seemed to be aiming at it.  Another short cry – this time there was no doubt that there was something very wrong.

 

-It’s a corner kick! Pay attention!

 

The eager dad again? Celia heard him shout as if it was a sound from far away. She was no longer present in the match.

 

On the other side of the fence the woman did not make it to the table. Celia’s whistle fell to the turf grass as she saw Linda tumble to the ground – and then remain stretched out on the gravel without moving - a small yard from the bench.